Weekend Recap!!!!

My Beloved Friends, I figured it would only be fair of me to share the outcome of this weekend. I appreciate all the support and well-wishes I received. My family and I really are grateful for the amount of encouragement I get out of my readers. It’s so heart warming!

The appointments were overall very helpful. It was the first time in a long time that I felt as though my struggles to stay on track were being taken seriously. The doctor and I have a great relationship and I really felt as though I was being heard and taken care of, and that was important. I cannot do everything on my own: ESPECIALLY recovery! Sometimes, we just need extra help & love to keep going in the right direction.

While I was talking, the doctor pointed out that I was saying a lot of opposite things. The “black and white” phenomena if you will, basically “all or nothing”. She said a lot of therapists have tried CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help patients see the gray in the situation and figure out the underlying reasons. This is the type of therapy I received at inpatient treatment and over the summer. This time, the doctor told me that a new therapy, DBT, will help me find ways to manage and get through those black and white times. I still have some more research to do, but I can’t tell you how excited I am to resume therapy again! I love it, I love talking, I have so much to say!!!!!!

The most important thing? I am safe, I am okay. It just felt very right to be home this weekend. My parents were lovely and the weather yesterday was GLORIOUS!!!!! The sun was shining all day and my fam and I spent so much time together. Now that’s what I’m talking about!

My family and I have faith and hope that this week will be less stressful and rigid and more relaxing for me. I will not be making “schedules”…but doing what I need to do (ex: schoolwork) at my own pace with no guilt attached if it is not perfect!

As for the blog, I don’t have my camera home with me. And I think it may be a good idea for me to take a tiny hiatus in order for me to decrease anxiety about food and get back on my two feet. I know you guys will understand. It ain’t forever, but for the time being. I may still post over the next week here and there, but it may not be as frequent. That said, I hope everybody had a lovely weekend and goes into this week believing that:

We deserve to be healthy!

 

Joy and peanut butter to all

Listening (and responding) To My Needs

Hey everybody! Thanks to all who participated in the riddle. The answer was CORN and CHICKEN! Who cheated and who did not, I shalll never know. I like to think that I trust all my readers !

I am awake pretty early today since I fell asleep around 9 pm last night. I then woke up at 2AM and came down to my dorm lounge to find all my friends still awake, pulling all-nighters and doing work. I slept on the couch but am up again! We are all currently sitting around a table doing work. This kind of sporadic behavior usually causes anxiety for me. It’s going against my normal schedule, the strict cycle of sleeping, eating, and being AWAKE. I worry that I will sleep too little and be too hungry, I worry if I stay awake I will gain weight, I worry worry worry.

Perhaps part of my worrying is due to a little decision my family and I made as of last night.  I will be going home tomorrow (Friday) afternoon to “re-group” and meet with my treatment team. I will be seeing an eating disorder specialist in New York and my R.D. that I spent the summer seeing and have been doing phone sessions with every now and then. But it’s not the same over the phone, I like to see her in person. I get weighed here at school 2x a week and the nurse emails my R.D. with the updates.

The thing is, I will be going home over Easter, too for 4 or 5 days since our school has off (which is just a week away). My family and  I decided coming home this weekend would be a good idea to have a quiet atmosphere to not only get work done, but be there for each other and support me as well. I feel the need to see my R.D. to discuss some troubles I’ve been having with meals and my thoughts, feelings and overall ANXIETY over them. The specialist is a very well known doctor in the field of eating disorders, and was actually the one that recommended to my family that I come home. My family and I have endless amounts of respect for this woman. She works wonders and knows a lot about eating disorders, and doesn’t let anybody “fool her”. She can see RIGHT through people and won’t take any B.S. I love her. She’s great. I just have a little anxiety now about what she will say. I know that I have stayed so strong for a long time while being away here at college, especially after just being diagnosed 7 months prior to coming to college. That’s not a lot of time. I am very willing to kick-start a new and great food plan with more ideas and things. I think overall, a lot of good will come out of this weekend.

I am very nervous too. The past few weeks have not been easy for me. I want to get that old motivation back that I know I have in me. It is reachable, I just must work for it. It would be irresponsible for my family and I to just take the back seat and keep letting things ride out, hoping they will improve. Recovery is about being proactive. It’s PHYSICAL, MENTAL, SPIRITUAL & EMOTIONAL work. It’s not a 9-5 desk job. It’s every meal, every minute, every thought. 

Now I’ve got some vanilla fig overnight oats waiting for me to heat up (or eat cold?). I’ll be sure to keep you guys posted!

{affirmation}: Negative thoughts will NEVER help; they will ALWAYS hurt me. When I am faced with a difficult time, I will get through it better by focusing on what I hope to accomplish. I will be strong, do what I have to do and move forward.

See ya guys soon,

But first, what re some foods that you just been loving lately and cannot wait to eat again?

And what’s a food that you are excited to try?

Keep on Keepin’ On

Another yogurt mess:

Exact same as last time, with just a little Nature’s Path Vanilla Almond Flax granola:

• Fage 2%
• sliced banana
• handful of Kashi Go Lean
• Pumpkin Butter (drizzled)
• Smooth Operator (drizzled)

 So tasty!

Another close-up:

The different flavors and combos in this dish are really fun and enjoyable to eat. I can honestly say I have a blast eating this breakfast. Who else can say that?

Along with my breakfast, I have been drinking coffee with a positive reminder:

No matter what,

Snackin’ on Substance

I also had my first Pro Bar yesterday for my afternoon snack!

Yeah yeah yeah, everyone says how “dense” they are and that we should only be eating a little at a time, but my body was a-cringing for something substantial-and this saved the day. A very kind reader sent me a sample pack of these-so thank you!

“Superfood Slam is a nutritional powerhouse. Our organic acai berries, pure raspberries, dark chocolate and live greens are blended together with PROBAR’s 15 signature whole food ingredients for a bar that is good for you and tastes SUPER.”

My thoughts?????! Holy Moly, these were FULL, BURSTING with FLAVOR! I felt like a pro eating this. This was the superfood slam. In this bar, I could taste something different in every single bite. It was a pretty intense experience. Overall, the flavor held something very natural, which I could tell was grass-like. It tasted like the earth. The nuts and seeds gave it a very crunchy yet surprisingly moist crunch. My favorite bites were the ones that contained dark chocolate and carob. I read the ingredient list, and it’s like a huge party in this bar. Sad was that I couldn’t taste everything, especially the peanut butter. This makes me angry- if you’re going to add Peanut Butter, make it taste like you did, please. That’s just downright offensive.

Wow! Looks like the mall at Christmastime.

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Thanks for all the song and artist ideas. I now have about 79 new songs on my iPod, and I cannot stop listening to them all! I enjoy them all, and I’ve been listening to plenty of Elton John and Noah and the Whales lately. I also have found a great appreciation for Katie Melua’s absolutely BEAUTIFUL voice. Listen here:

I know it’s not the happiest of songs, but her voice is that of an angel.

School-wise, I am pretty booked this week. I have a test this morning around 8, and then another one tomorrow. Next week is full of essay due dates, an another midterm. What to do in these situations? For me, it helps not to stress. Sounds simple, right? Well, it feels like my entire college campus is freaking out during these work-heavy weeks. I like to to take a step back from the commotion and just BREATH! I try to put as little pressure on myself as possible, school-wise. It is not easy, but staying away from stressed and panicking students can definitely help me keep centered. In my opinion, stress and worrying is CONTAGIOUS! I guess I just catch it easy!!

 

I had a question from a reader that I want to share with you all. Here, a sister asked me what would be the best way to approach her sister that was newly out of inpatient treatment.

Q: My sister just got out of treatment 10 days ago for an eating disorder (anorexia).  What are some ways that I can encourage her?  Should I talk about food with her?  Or no?  I’m curious, from your experience, what has been helpful from friends and what has been detrimental.  I’ve really learned a ton from your blog and really enjoy reading it!

A: Thanks or reaching out. I think you bring up a great question. We want to protect and care and show concern for our loved ones, but eating disordered patients are known to be “unpredictable”. But, don’t lose open. We can evaluate based on simple things. Is your sister open to speaking about it? Was her experience @ treatment positive or negative, overall? How is your relationship with her? Does she see you as someone she can trust? Is she ready to recover in the real world (treatment is a “fantasy” world—not real life, at all!!!) I think it would be great to have a meal with her (if possible) where you and her can cook the food together and enjoy it while catching up.  Perhaps it would be helpful not to comment too much on the food (I am unsure of how sensitive she was, but when I left treatment I was triggered whenever someone said anything even like “im hungry!”) at treatment, we are protected and do not speak of food, calories, weight, etc. but now, in the real world, its important to practice this kind of stuff. 

I think it would be valid to encourage her to continue her positivity, openness and honesty in recovery. You can ask her things like what are you hungry for? But I know it is also helpful for both of you to focus on further things, out of the food world, to help keep the obsessions and preoccupations with food away. encourage her by pointing out good deeds she does, inner qualities that you admire (her selflessness, creativity, etc. not her physical attributes). You can also bring up positive memories, look at old photo albums, etc. The reason I just went into such detail is because I have an older sister who was very helpful and has continues to play a positive nad contributing role in my recovery.

Just be there for her. Tell her you love her and you are always here. that’s what we need!

I found a great deal of benefits in answering this question. I myself have an older sister, and I think this reader brought up such a great point that allowed me to reflect upon my own experience with my older sister. My older sister has given me a lot throughout life, like ways to cheat out my parents when we were younger, or her clothes when I wanted to look pretty, or make up tips and boy advice. But mostly she has given me love. I think we have really grown to appreciate each other in a way we never have done before. My mom used to hate it when my sister and I fought and beg us to stop. It didn’t work that way…my sister and I had some growing up to do and lessons to learn. As soon as we learned those lessons, and realized what a blessing we can be to each other, we began the process of healing and forming a great relationship like the one we have today. Gee, I feel lucky to have her!

So I am holding on, day by day trying to get by. I have about 22 days of school left, which is very amazing!! I am so ready to go  back home and resume cognitive behavioral therapy again. I like the counselor here at school, obviously, she is so helpful. But there is nothing like doing therapy at home and having a therapist that I can call my own. I will also be closer to my nutritionist and eating disorder specialist who seem to help me bring me back on my two feet. I appreciate all the support my readers give me. This is just a bump, a testing time I know. In the moment, it is hard to think of it that way, because I just want to feel like myself again. But no recovery is easy, or should be easy. I am fighting for my life and freedom right now, and how could that be easy?

Happy April Fool’s Day-on a lighter note,  A riddle for you, foodies!

You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

Hint: there are 2 solutions, and none of them are packaged foods.

Music Is My Great Granddaughter

This is how I’ve been feeling about music lately. I just wanted to do a post asking for all of your favorite music (songs/bands specifically) that help you cope. Music is a gift, and I want to be showered with beautiful music to listen to! So, if you feel up to it, please leave a comment.

I’ve been listening to Kate Nash, Vanessa Carlton, Radiohead, The Ting Tings, India Arie, and some Enya lately. Any other suggestions would be MORE than welcome!!!!!

And if you have a couple extra minutes today, please read this article in the New York Times Magazine. I read it last night and immediately shared it with my family. It is a grand account of a mother (Harriet Brown) and her daughter’s plight with anorexia. It is really moving and SO eye opening, and helped me stay on track last night into this morning. I would love some feedback!

I will leave you all with a beautiful quote and beautiful food.

With love,

For the Love of Peanut Butter (Crunchy Cups…check it out!!)

Questions about the pictures? Email me! Fortheloveofpeanutbutter@gmail.com. I’ll be happy to respond .

 

“Fear imprisons; faith liberates; fear paralyzes; faith empowers; fear disheartens; faith encourages; fear sickens; faith heals; fear makes useless; faith makes serviceable.

How do you find Hope?

Yesterday, I tried my first Erin Baker’s Peanut Butter Breakfast Cookie!!

I dug into my energy cookie around 3:30 yesterday for an afternoon snack. WOOOWEEE-was this perfect! It was not TOO sweet, and not TOO filling-but it kept me running far into dinner time, with a slow release of energy so I didn’t wind up starving. But appetite slowly returned with grace and beauty.

There was about 8g of protein in this cookie. But the combinations of carbs and protein really kept me going. This was the peanut butter cookie.

 

Power Breakfast

 

Y’all, this breakfast was jam packed with nutrients. I WHIPPED UP some of my standard quick banana cinnamon oats…threw in some crushed graham cracker sticks, sliced almonds, and trail mix. To top it all off, I added 2 different spoonfuls of peanut butter. PB Loco’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and Peanut Butter & Co.’s Smooth Operator. It was a little difficult, but I felt on top of the world with all those flavors!!!!! And I deserved it!

here is another mug shot. This bowl is on America’s Most Wanted . Or it should be!

Yo, BABY!

Vanilla Yogurt with Nature’s Path Organic Vanilla Almond Granola -

 

Tasty. And lasted me while I napped the afternoon away!

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Thank you to all who helped me figure out some great ideas for muesli!!! I am really excited to try all the different pieces of advice everybody gave me. I think I am going to try some more on Monday-and will be including yogurt and banana for the mix and absorption. I can’t wait. And I think I’ll add some nut butter of some sort this time. YUMMINESS!

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This week has been very intense for me! Earlier was housing registration, so everybody on campus was buzzing about where to live next year. My registration time was on the last day, so I really did not have too much control over the situation. On top of all that, I was dealing with a lot of stress from being away from my family and ignoring the voice of disordered eating. There was a day where I felt so weak and that I didn’t have enough strength to fight back. Friday was so tough for me, I just wanted to have my parents pick me up and help me. I got through the night and feel a little better. But I am in need of support right now! Because I know that I have the strength within me. What it comes down to is ending the unhealthy relationship with me and food. I do not want to turn to food and my controlling of it for comfort and safety any longer. Because it is not real comfort, it is fake. I can find real love and happiness with people, not jeopardizing my health. Lovely Julz opened my eyes to a good point:

Here are the four things you say TO YOU:
1. “I’m Sorry”

2. “Please Forgive Me”

3. “Thank You”

4. “I Love You”

Sometimes it baffles me at the thought where I am right now. Like, if I take a step back, and really think about what I am doing to myself when I have those bad days of guilt, shame and negative thinking, it is sad! I know I can change them, and I want to start treating myself better and with more affection and love.  I know I deserve it. Everyone does.

I have been journaling a lot and listening to peaceful music, reaching out to family and hanging with friends when I feel like it. What helps you re-gain hope and a positive sense of self?

Knead & Squeeze

Yesterday, it was rainy & gross, so my friend and I lounged and watched The Food Network for three hours.

I broke out my 1% milk and some Kashi honey sunshine, Go Lean Crunch, and Nature’s Path Vanilla Almond Flax Granola, all sprinkled with a heavy load of cinnamon–

LOVE!!!! We watched Giada, Paula Dean, and Sandra Lee. We had a really fun time imitating Paula Dean’s accent. It’s really funny, I think I am good at it, too. Is this my secret talent??? “Add a quarter cupa butter!”

Muesli Morning

I tried my father’s muesli this morning! I soaked it up in some 1 % milk and my homemade “BANILLA” greek yogurt. This muesli had walnuts, dates, raisins and almonds pre-mixed it, with oats and nature’s path oatbran flakes. I also banana and let it soak overnight. I added some toasted almonds this morning for a topping. Oh man, was this yummy. The flavors/sweet I think I might add some honey next time. This was delicious, but I missed my peanut butter cause I was not sure how it would taste with cold cereal? So I incorporated it with my morning snack:

Warning: serious food porn:

I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER! Just soooo much! Sprinkled with a lil bit of cinnamon–

Ah, perfection. This was a piece from my freshly baked loaf of bread, topped with Honey Peanut Butter from Justin’s Nut Butters. I received a huge sampling of all types of their nut butters, thank you so much Justin’s!!! I loved this honey peanut butter. It is not too sweet, at all! And it is in a squeeze packet, for class, the library, and walking around. The best!! And I got these bumper stickers, too. Clearly, I had fun with them.

That says Knead & Squeeze. I love this bumper sticker. After I took it off my forehead, I put it on my wall. YESSIR!

QUESTION: If I am going to get into this muesli thing, I need ideas for toppings. And do you guys prefer to soak it in yogurt or milk overnight?

Toppings? Tips? Love ya all! (Paula dean accent)

Yogurt? FOR BREAKFAST?

That’s right folks, you read right!! After reading all of your comments on what you will be having for breakfast come the warmer months, I was a-craving some YOGURT as my breakfast base this morning. Please excuse the many pictures, but this bowl was oh-so-divine, it deserves a freakin Emmy Award.

What’s in it, you eagerly ask????? This bowl is simple & divine. Just like Julz!

• A Base of 2% Fage (about a cup?)
• a very ripe banana
• handful of cereal (I used Kashi Honey Sunshine/Go Lean mix)
• Drizzle of Pumpkin Butter
• Drizzle of Peanut Butter & Co.’s Smooth Operator
• Cinnamon

please, for your own good: check out that pumpkin butter/peanut butter duo! They worked together in unison to give my taste buds the most amazing experience ever.

More lusciousness–This bowl took me about the same amount of time to eat as oatmeal, too! So many different flavors and textures….I LOVED IT. It was filling, refreshing, and so differently delicious.

 

My heart was broken when half was gone.

I would also like to mention that I am going to switch over to 1% milk totally, in all situations possible. Not sure how this will work at Starbucks, when only whole/skim is available, but Jeff discussed how he thinks I should not eat fat free anything. What do you guys think of this? I had a phone session with my R.D. from home last night and she said it is perfectly fine to have 1% milk. But I don’t really see a problem with skim-but I taste the difference, for sure!! 1% is creamy and delicious. Skim kinda tastes like water. I guess I forced myself to get used to it and just accept it, but why turn down the 1% milk when it tastes that much better, ya know?

Groceries

I rocked the grocery store trip yesterday. Honestly, my purchases are making me feel SO good and SO excited about getting back onto the recovery bandwagon.

 As you can see, I bought a lot of really great stuff! I went around the store, picking out what I wanted to the best of my ability. I got a couple Stonyfield products because of the free coupons I received in the mail. The purchases I am really excited about are the fresh baked loaf of Mill Grain Bread, (it’s brand-free, baked right @ the grocer’s!! my R.D. from treatment said this is the best bread to buy, not only is it fresh but it is natural/economically friendly/and mostly does not have any nutritional labels!! CAN U SAY FREEDOM??) and the Nabisco snack packages. I feel like a “regular” girl again, buying these not-organic snack foods. I am just so pumped to have them in the room. ALSO, check out that CRUNCHY REESE’S CANDY!!!! It is limited edition, and for the love of peanut butter I needed it!! After purchasing, I realized it has 5g of freakin protein and 2g of fiber. Hello, lovely!

 

That sushi that you see, the “fantasy spring roll” was my dinner last night, I even ate it with chop sticks! It had avocado, cucumber, fake crab and raw tuna inside. So yummy!

So here it is:

• Sabra’s Roasted Red Pepper Hummus
• A Kashi CRUNCHY Chocolate Caramel Bar (just in case! )
• a beautiful Gala Apple. Hello!!!
• 1% milk
• (2) 2% fage
• (1) Oikos Blueberry
• pack of Yobaby vanilla & banana yogurt
• Carrots
• Fresh loaf of Mill Grain Bread
• Reese’s Crunchy Cups (limited edition!!)

I can’t wait to dig right on in

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TREK Bars!

I received these lovely bars from Leah over @ Simply Fabulous Now. I am so excited to try them! Thanks, girl!

 

(Update: Bar challenge is going so well, I have not restricted myself to any if I want them but now I find myself wanted cereal/bread/pretzels/fruit/yogurt over a bar anyway. Wooohoooo!)

Last night’s snack included a peanut butter rice crispie treat with dark chocolate dreams on top- OH HELL YEAH!

 

 

 

I know you are drooling right now. How could you not be?

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Le Menu de Belle Lee

As a way to incorporate and devise more flexibility and *LESS* structure into my food and journaling, I made this template on word:

I will only be filling these out (I printed out a couple to have on hand) if I feel as though I am slipping and need to keep track of myself. Otherwise, when I am healthfully and happily in my weight range, I should not have to journal in. I love this menu style though, it looks like a real menu for a French restaurant, no? It also won’t be including check marks or exchanges, since I really don’t want to use that. I didn’t even draw lines on the menu so that I don’t feel a need to stay to any number.

This menu will not work for everyone. It works for me because it encourages me to eat intuitively. I have been food journaling for a year now and I do not need to anymore. I know what I need and what I want. This template will only be needed if  I feel as though I need it. It optimizes flexibility balance and takes the focus off the calories and boxes and such. Go me!!

Chocolate Peanut Oatmeal!

I am OBSESSED with this new combination!

It is absolutely heavenly. The flavor, the texture, the smell, the balance, the body, the nutrients, mmmmh! It’s making me for hungry for breakfast all over again!

 

It is so simple, too!

Base:

• quick oats
• banana
• cinnamon
• soymilk

Toppings:

• a couple spoonfuls of  Nature’s Path Organic Vanilla Almond & Flax Granola
• a couple spoonfuls of TJ’s Tempting Trail Mix
• spoonful of Peanut Butter & Co.’s Smooth Operator, around the sides
• A smile

Boy, did this bowl of oats hit the spot. I was a little chilly waking up this morning (we left the WINDOW open!!! hahaha) and this bowl could not have been any better! I also loved the drizzle of PB around the edge of the bowl-it is a nice “switch-up” to the spoon technique.

TJ’s Tempting Trailmix is a wonderful oat topping. It has almonds, roasted cashews, peanut butter chips, dried cherries, peanuts, and belgian chocolate dots inside. Melted soooo nicely, oohhh baby!

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I’m off to go grocery shopping, I will post my purchases soon enough!! I hope everybody is having a great day.

Question:

Will you continue eating oats into the spring/summer/warmer months?

Or, will you slowly transition to cold cereal/breakfast cookies/smoothies?

What are some good oatmeal alternatives for the warmer months of summer?

Great Eats!!

Tonight’s Dinner:

Pacific Natural Food’s Organic Creamy Butternut Squash Soup

After working long in the hard in the library this afternoon, I was the mood for something warm and simple.

I added some steamed chicken breast chunks, wilted spinach, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and garnished with salt and pepper. I think there’s some zucchini in there, too. 

This was such a perfect blend of flavors. I tasted the sweet creaminess of the soup base, with some cinnamon spice, and the yummy silky spinach. Hmmmm! I will remember this dish forever!! I am so glad I stopped by the cafe to pick up the chicken and veggies. And thank goodness for a microwave!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One more shot for kicks: from afar.

 

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And I tried something new this afternoon for a burst of energy:

Erin Baker’s Homestyle Granola

In Double Chocolate Chunk Flavor, to which I added some milk!

This stuff was super good. I recall eating some chunks of real chocolate in there!

Erin Bakery’s granola is totally natural and delicious!! The chocolate flavor is totally apparent but not overpowering. It also turned my milk chocolately, which I definitely loved. I can’t wait to try my peanut butter flavor! And the cookies, of course.

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A New Spin On “Feeling Fat”

Check out this video on Youtube- “Fat is not an emotion and ‘feeling fat’ is usually an attempt to deal with difficult emotions and a sense of worthlessness.”

I really wanted to share this with you guys. Let me know your thoughts!

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Thank You

I want to thank everybody for being so supportive and really giving me so many wonderful comments to read each time I sign onto my computer. When I feel down, all I need to do is read the comments you all leave me and I don’t feel so alone. The things you guys say, I actually believe. This community is something I so dearly treasure!!!!!! This week is tough, but I am reaching out to my family, friends, and you guys. It feels so good not to keep it in. It takes a lot of courage, but it is a whole new day of dealing with things for me. If there is one thing I am telling myself, it is that I am safe. I am also capable of taking care of myself. Never give up on hope!!

A Peanut Butter Update

‘Sup guyssss? I just wanted to give a brief update to all of you readers…no, I haven’t given up blogging! Just trying to focus on myself right now-but I’ll keep posting!!

Here is my journal entry that I wrote regarding my outlook and attitude this week. Please read and leave your thoughts!:

What a whirlwind of a week. I need to start journaling more. On St. Patty’s, I had a little slip. A day or two later, I processed it with the counselor here at school. It felt so good to talk and let it off my chest!! It has been a little bit of a struggle to stay my meal plan this week. UGH! It’s just hurting inside, I tell ya. Why it is so difficult? Well, I’m trying to get by, and deal with this real life stress of being a young woman in college, and deal with it HEAD-ON, without an eating disorder to cope with. But it is very hard. Right now, I see 2 paths ahead of me:

-Eating Disorder Path (restriction, shame, guilt, false sense of happiness, defeat, fear, stress & time lost)

-Lee’s path (scary, unknown, with a future, promising, trust, life, freedom, health)

It sounds like an easy pick, right? To be honest, it would just be ALL to easy to give in right now & crawl into the arms of an eating disorder. I can literally picture myself doing it. But I know in my heart of heart what that brings me-guilt, sadness, fear, and time. It costs time. An eating disorder is so much work. And so is recovery. Would I rather spend my time recovering, or actively in restriction? Recovery is not all butterflies & rainbows, but there are more REAL happy times for sure. Ed will NOT take everything away that I’ve worked so hard to get. Im not going to let him win! This is MY life. I just have so much to live for, to look forward to. Justin (my boyfriend’s older brother) is getting married this summer, in August. That is definitely something to live for! I have never been to a wedding before. I want to be healthy, radiant and vital in the pictures, and in my head. It’d be just too easy to use it as an excuse to lose weight, to fall off the mountain. So I am going to take on a challenge, Journal!!!! 

I will make a promise to:

make loving choices at all hours of the day, every day. I can’t constantly please others! I vow to love myself, to forgive myself, to handle myself with care, affection & grace, to allow flexibility, and to enjoy the foods and indulgences of life with joy and open arms! I vow to be open to meeting new people, new experiences. I vow to relax, to follow my heart, to listen to my gut, to have faith in my future, to call a loved one when I feel down, to believe in the sun ALWAYS RISING, to live each day to better tomorrow, to be apart of the solution and not the problem, to be honest and loving to Jeff, to understand and believe that I am still sensitive but CAN live without an eating disorder, to try new foods, to give others compliments to be a good student, friend, daughter, and sister. To KNOW that God did not intend for me to be perfect, to be a productive member of society, and to reduce judgment of myself and others.

I’m still reading blogs-maybe just not commenting as much. Keep in touch, everyone! Love to all!

 

flowers from a lovely reader-you know who you are. Thank you!

What do you vow to yourself?