LeeLee in the Sky with Inner Peace (and a Big Appetite)

My bath from last night-more on that Zen stuff later!

Hey lovies! I am in such a wonderful mood today. Let me start by saying that the R.D. went spectacularly. I figured out ways to wean myself off of food journaling on paper-I will basically be taking a day off from writing everything down once a week and see how that feels. I will not be keeping a mental check either. I will go throughout the day (deep down I know what I need so I must practice listening to the rational healthy voice and not that of lonely ugly Ed). Other good news! I am smack middle in the weight range (was not even worried) and she was so proud of the healthy path I’ve paved for myself. I know I’ve made progress. Sometimes, its just hard to see because my head can be a mess sometimes (you can’t tell from the outside by looking at me so I am finding other ways of expressing anguish. But calming down those thoughts and reminding myself of how much I have taken the “healthy reigns” is important. I want to get better. Truly, its a blessing. But at the same time, not really. Anybody can do it. DO NOT LISTEN WHEN PEOPLE SAY ANOREXIA IS NOT INCURABLE. LISTEN TO ME NOW: IT IS CURABLE. So is all disordered eating. There may not be a pill or prescribed medication, but the healing comes from within ourselves. It may take more mental work and it is easier to just give up, but think about it this way: we have eating disorders for a reason. Do not think you are damned. Use this hardship as a tool to learn and grow from- this is happening because He has a plan for us- just believe.

So I packed this bad boy to eat after my appointment on the way home:

….a big healthy chunk of pumpkin bread (recipe here) and portable Smucker’s Peanut Butter! That is right. I smothered it right on with my finger. And sorry for the flashy pic, I was driving at the same time. I know its unsafe. I was also mid-turn. Hehehe.

A night of intuitive eating:

I wanted something quick, so I made Amy’s Indian Palak Paneer frozen entree, and bulked it up with some steamed spinach and yummy mushrooms. I added them (along with about 1/5 of my previously baked maple teryaki tofu block) to the plate 2 minutes into the cook. I have had this entree once before- I love it! So quick and delish. I was STARVING-I ate every bite!

Dinner:

Close up? Sure!

Leftovers? PShhhhh

Less than an hour later, I was hungry again so I had a yummy treat:

Chocolate and Vanilla swirl ice cream with 2 TBSP PB & CO. (Cinnamon Raisin and White Chocolate Wonderful). The latter PB def tasted much better than cinnamon raisin with the ice cream-the raisins froze and got kind of yucky. But otherwise it is was delicious. White Chocolate wonderful tastes SO GOOD with ice cream! I topped this all off with a handful of (crushed) Annie’s Honey Graham bunnies and cinnamon. It was good.

After this, I figured I was done eating for the night, even though it was only 7:30pm. Well, that was the first thought.

But an hour after that, I had another pang of hunger from within my belly. So I went for handful of Annie’s bunnies with some barney butter.

I settled with a Chocolate Fiber One Bar. Good choice!!! Ingredient wise, I know there’s a bunch of crapola in it, but hey, I have a huge box from last summer, and I am trying to eat them up. Because they are good. And sugary!

After that, I felt satisfied. I was really pleased that I felt hungry and I followed my incline to eat more. “But I had had ice cream” was my  my initial judgment -and  I wouldn’t need more. But I rationalized that thought-I felt hungry and I freakin flowed with it like a river. I went along with my hunger cue. To celebrate, I drew a hot (I MEAN HOT) bath. I lit candles around the bath to deepen my relaxation-

So let me just tell you about my bath time. I had my book with me ready to get into it, but the bath was so hot I could only stand reading for about fifteen minutes before I closed it up. I felt my forehead dripping with sweat-that’s how hot it was! So I relaxed a little longer than drew the water. But I didn’t get out. I stayed there and drifted for a while, in a deep relaxation and peace. I felt at peace with my decisions for the day, I felt love for those I barely knew, I felt my heart expanding for myself and others. I felt full of potential, hope, and clarity. I saw myself for what I really was: a smart ball of light, love, and energy-whose spirit travels further with each breath I take. This was very intense for me. It was a beautiful moment I wanted to share with ya’ll.

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This afternoon, I will be going to Renfrew Center to a “Home for the Holidays” support group. Here is the explanation from the website:

Home for the Holidays
A Workshop for College Students Coping with an Eating Disorder

Join other college students, also home for the holidays, who have struggled with an eating disorder and develop strategies to sustain and strengthen your recovery.  This 2 hour workshop will help you develop an individualized plan for maintaining recovery as you begin the New Year.

Topics include:

• First Semester Experiences
• Eating Challenges During the Holidays
• Taking Responsibility for Your Own Health and Recovery
• Parental Expectations About Eating and Treatment Needs
• Independence, When Your Parents Still See You as Their Child
• Building an Eating Disorder Safety Net at Home and at School
• Creating and Sustaining Relationships at Home and at School

I am excited (and nervous) about today’s support group. It will be my first “GROUP” setting since intensive in patient treatment ended last April of 2008. Should be interesting! I am going with an open mind for sure. Before this, my mom and I have plans to go to a sushi restaurant downtown for lunch.

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Another note:

I am a happy girl!

I got a surprise in the mail…….

Can you guess it?

FREE LÄRABARS & A TEE SHIRT!

All laid out for the sake of prettiness and colors:

Thank you Larabar! I really appreciate this. My parents tried the Coconut Cream already and loved the texture. My mother said,

“I was expecting a granola filling, but this is more flavorful and creative- it’s really great!”

Larabars are a hit: they are all natural, gluten free, vegan, made with simple ingredients.

They are also:

1 SERVING OF FRUIT  *  NO ADDED SUGAR  *  UNPROCESSED
RAW  *  NON- GMO  *  GLUTEN FREE  *  DAIRY FREE  *  SOY FREE
VEGAN  *  KOSHER

They come in so many different flavors to suite everybody’s taste!

From the web:

Our Food Philosophy:  Simple. Pure. Delicious™

Humm Foods, the creator of LÄRABAR, firmly believes that the foundation of a healthy mind, body and spirit is derived from what you eat. And what you eat is healthiest and most satisfying when it’s in a whole, natural state.

Our company name comes from an ancient belief that food falls into two categories:

BECKONING FOODS
which beckon consumption again and again, sapping the body of energy without any real health benefits, Today, they’re called “junk foods.”

HUMM FOODS
on the other hand, resonate with energy in a whole, natural state. When consumed, they cause you to feel vibrant and alive.

You can expect an unmistakable urge to humm after every LÄRABAR  you eat.

Let the humming begin!

I am so excited.

These are the muscles I got from eating healthy Larabars. Eat ‘em up kids.

Daily Dosage Affirmation:

I love and approve of myself, am at peace with my own feelings and stand tall and free.