The Rebel Within Us

HAPPY TUESDAY!!!

Here we go…..

Lunch

3-egg white omelet

Ingredients:

• 3 egg whites
• S & P
• 2 white mushrooms, chopped
• 1/2 med. tomato, cut into 4 pc.
• 2 cups steamed spinach
• 1/4 white onion, chopped
• 1 La Tortilla Whole Wheat wrap

I rolled this baby up and added some ketchup and Sammie’s creole sauce.

On the side I had,

the rest of my 2% Fage container (a little less than 1/2 cup) with pumpkin and a handful of Kashi GoLean Crunch (not aesthetically pleasing but quite delicious). I also had a baby Gala apple! Satisfying and delicious.

Later in the afternoon, I cut up this baby:

It has been too long since I’ve had tropical fruit like this. I want to make some sort of smoothie.

Pineapple coming at yo face

Breakfast

Banana-Walnut-Oatmeal (inspired by Tina)

I think this was my first time removing the pumpkin from the mix…but it was still delicious!

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Stealing and Staying In

Last night, my mother and I celebrated my first semester grades with an “Indian-themed” night. First, we went to Bangalore, after that, we headed over to the movies to see Slumdog Millionaire (really good, I suggest you all see it!). After we finished eating, on the way to the movies, my mother began to speak of appreciation. She said she appreciates our family alot more now, and feels blessed that we have come so far from where we were about a year ago (when I was at my darkest point). We began to reminsce on how things were back in January of 2008. To be truthful, my memory during that time is very foggy. The experts call this brain lock. Basically, it is when your memory is not as strong because the brain is not recieving the nurtients it needs. During an eating disorder, your body begins to break down in order of importance. Physically, we know that a lot of girls lose their period and hair. We do not need these to survive. Mentally, we can lose our memory and focus. We do not need these to survive.

My mother used these words, “It was like there was an alien dictating your behavior. Not only did you not sing or smile like you usually do, but your behavior was outrageous”. I knew exactly what she was talking about. At one point, the dieting and exercise became so extreme that my thoughts were consumed by it. Every single thing I did was for the better of my eating disorder. Yes, that means every step I took, every hair flip, every time I opened the door for someone, every time I snapped at my parents, every time I looked in the mirror. I was out for myself, or rather, for Ed. I was keeping my disorder safe, this thing that made me feel loved and comforted. Something I saw results from. Relationships with real humans were just too intense. I could work my @$$ off in a relationship with another person, and still not see results. But with Ed, I got to see everything, quickly.

One of the weirdest parts of my eating disorder, I must say, was how I took things without asking. Although I never shoplifted from a store, I still did major damage: I stole from my friends and from my family. I know many people that have struggled with ED have also stolen, and it grows within: and I am sure if I hadn’t of recieved help when I did, it very easily could have escalated into stealing from real stores. What did I steal? I had a major thing for clothes. My whole life, I always wanted to borrow my older sister’s clothes, but she would never trust me, so soon I began to take without asking. For about 7 years (before Ed even began), I took her clothes, sometimes getting caught, sometimes not. (When I was caught, I was grounded: my family never put up with it!). As Ed escalated, I started taking money from my mother, to use for clothes. Like I said before, I had an infuation with designer things…the more “known” an item was, the better I felt about myself and the more I thought more people would like me.

I got a huge rush of taking things, and within months, I was stealing things from my friends. Make up, nice clothes, jewelry. It hurts me to think about, to be honest. I cannot tell you why I thought it was OKAY to do that. I did not get away with it. My friends soon discovered what I was doing. But that did not stop me. I was sabotaging friendships and hurting people I loved. I think it is for MANY reasons…

1. I was hungry and wanted distraction
2. I felt a rush while doing it
3. I was rebelling, trying to prove a point of independence
4. It was a call for help
5. I wanted to isolate and not have anybody in my life so stealing was a way for them to dislike me and stay away
6. self expression
7. I was never satisfied with what I had
8. I could not think clearly.

If someone had asked me why I was doing it, I would have probably said “because I want new clothes”.

Stealing is a red flag. It is very triggering when I wear clothes of other people…it’s like I’m trying to be somebody else. Back in May, my therapist challenged me and said to go a month without borrowing anybody’s clothes. Today, I like wearing my own clothes and making my own money. But where do we draw the line?

I know everybody hits lows in life. I can do more than hope that a year ago was my “rock bottom”, and I never dip my toes in the water of Ed again.